Timing is a funny thing

I was sitting here, thinking about that roommate I mentioned in my last post… we haven’t had sex for about 3 weeks because… guess what… I had EXPECTATIONS about our relationship!

The opposite of what I said I wanted to do in my last post. Ha, ha, ha. Isn’t that funny?

I fell in love with him. And I told him that I loved him after he told me that he slept with another girl 2 weeks ago. He returned the “I love you,” which I was honestly surprised about.

But I’m sitting here feeling lonely again because I have developed expectations about my relationship with him (let’s call him R*). I feel kind of crazy, but I love literally every thing about him. Okay, there are some things I don’t love, but even the things that piss me off, I try to lovingly accept.

I feel so fucking needy right now. I just want him here with me. Maybe it’s because I know he’s probably seeing another girl and I just want to know that I’m more important than her.

Because I fucking deserve to be with a man who knows he wants to be with me! I have so so so much love to give and share… I deserve a man who can handle my love and give me just as much, and more, in return.

I need to keep reminding myself of this. And if R cannot share that love with me, I need to lovingly let go and move on…. much easier said than done.

I keep holding out hope that he’ll come around to me… and I’ve been trying to be so patient. I know there will be a breaking point. I feel like the fact that he’s apparently seeing another girl should have been that point…

More to meditate on later.

Giving Up

I’m giving up being celibate. That’s right. Sex is just way too enjoyable.

As I give up celibacy, I am also going to work on giving up EXPECTATIONS regarding sex and relationships. This is what has truly fucked me up in the past.

I am giving up “conditional” loving. And working on giving up my ego. I want to give up trying to control everything… it is only an illusion, anyway.

You may wonder what spurred this decision. Well, a couple of things happened:

I made out with an ex-roommate a couple of times and then, much more dangerously, made out and then had sex with my current roommate. Rut roh. I don’t regret it. I actually feel quite good about the decision. I am cautious, though.

So yes. I give up. And it’s okay 🙂

Single Again

Guess it’s back to my trusty hand this week.

A said he wanted to “just be friends” because we  aren’t on the same life path. I guess he’s right. We both knew from the start that the relationship wouldn’t last long. It still sucks, though. Mostly it sucks because it just reminds me how EVERY relationship I’ve had in the past year has failed.

I broke up with my last long-term boyfriend, a year ago, and dated 3 guys after him before meeting A. FIVE failed relationships. When is God going to throw me a bone?

Maybe now I can focus on REAL celibacy (excluding masturbation, of course). I’m moving this weekend and will have 3 new roommates, 2 of whom are sober. I think this could be a great start for me… living with more mature, older adults should be a good influence. I am actually even new friends with 2 people that I’ll be living with… I’m hoping everything works out well with them.

So no more sexy fun for me again… at least not with a partner… for a while… Sigh.

~M

Toys aren’t just for kids ;)

A and I had a lovely, snuggly, sexy morning today. We had a very enjoyable sex experience – perhaps the best so far – without putting his dick in me. Success!

Toys. I only have two. I think I will have to start building up my ammo soon, though it’s nice to start off with the not so crazy things. Today I whipped out the dildo/vibrator (minus vibrating capacity, as I haven’t gotten new batteries, yet). It was really really nice to have penetration, as it is becoming increasingly difficult to not fuck his brains out 🙂

He started out rubbing the outside of my cootch and quickly moved to licking me. I think he rather enjoys that 🙂 He gently moved my head to his penis and I started to lick and suck on it.  I asked if I could get out a toy, so I got my pretty, slender, translucent purple dildo out and put it in my vagina, while he rubbed my clit.

I think I only used my dildo one other time in front of a partner before… but this time was definitely more of a show. I got really into it and was able to create the speed and banging motions that I like. All while sucking his cock. It was so hot to see him watching me fuck myself. So so hot. I even had an orgasm, which is pretty rare for me if I’m not masturbating. Exciting! It was a small orgasm, but it was definitely there.

I still haven’t figured out how to get him off! This is definitely new to me. I generally have an easy time getting men to cum, but not A. He has a sensitive foreskin (uncircumcised) and on top of that, he has a condition that makes the skin extra tight and unable to actually move much on his dick. Poor guy. So I haven’t figured out how to suck or jack him the right way, and he always resorts to doing it himself. I will get it one of these days! Anyway, he cam in my mouth, as I like to have him do. There’s something extremely hot about being “cum in,” but obviously I don’t want to get pregnant so getting it in my mouth is the next best thing.

Look forward to the next installment… and perhaps even another toy 😉

~M

37 Days counts for something… right?

I am not going to beat myself up for already falling off the celibacy wagon (Indeed, there is a wagon, at least a very small one!) and IN FACT I am going to get up, brush it off, and squeeze right back on that motherfucking ride.

It’s true. I have succumbed to the salacious sin of sex. (Just kidding, I don’t actually think sex is a sin. I just liked the alliteration).

I’ve been dating that guy, A, still, and we’ve been having lots of fun sexy sessions. A couple nights ago, after having an awesome dinner, and imbibing a few drinks, with his brother (and his brother’s girlfriend AND her sister!), we went back to A’s place. We got into our usual naked make out and even though I told him we really shouldn’t be rubbing our genitals together anymore (it happened once the week before), we got back into it.

See this is the problem I have: lack of boundaries. I told him that we shouldn’t do it, but then he started doing it again, and I didn’t say no. I mean, I didn’t really WANT to say no, but I had already told him we shouldn’t. Then, even though he knows I have been making this claim to celibacy for the year, he began teasing me by slowing putting his cock in me a little bit at a time. I SHOULD HAVE SAID NO. But I didn’t.

And now I’m also in this terrible mindset of wondering whether or not this was… rape. I have thought back on many of my sexual experiences wondering if they were technically rape, because I was so intoxicated or because it was one of those situations where it was like, I wasn’t really into the sex, but I just sort of allowed it to happen. The latter was my initial reaction to having sex with A this past weekend.

I’ve been hearing about all these ideas surrounding language and consent. Like, “If it’s not a HELL YES, then it’s a NO.” Or, “Lack of a no, doesn’t mean yes.” So I wasn’t enthusiastically consenting to A’s penetrating my vagina with his dick, neither did I say no (nor yes). What do I make of this? I mean, once we started going, I did enjoy it, though I was having really mixed feelings the entire time, knowing that I had wanted to be celibate, but was going against my word. And knowing, too, that he also went against what I had wanted.

He and I are having a conversation about it today. I’m not sure if this will break our relationship or not. He did apologize to me for having not kept his restraint and for not respecting my intentions better.

But like I said at the start, I am going to try again. This time, I need to prove to myself that I can do this. That I can make and KEEP my boundaries. I need to know that I am strong.

~M

Hands don’t count (and neither does oral)

It has finally happened. I had my first test of celibacy during the infamous “blizzard of 2015” this week. I’ll call him *A to keep his anonymity.

A and I first met last Monday at a cool art event that is hosted monthly at a local bar. We hit it off chatting about our shared love of House music before he went on to DJ. We kept talking afterwards, and within a few days, he had asked me out for dinner.

We only had two dates before I invited him over to be snowed in with me this past Monday night. I wasn’t sure if it was too soon for us to spend over 24 hours in the same place together, but we both decided it would be fun. And it was.

Anyway, let’s cut to the chase here. Well, I was trapped in my home with a cute massage therapist, and I had been very forthcoming about wanting snuggles. Yes, snuggles. (I honestly didn’t expect anything more). So of course he gave me an amazing massage, which turned into a beautiful, sensual make out on my bed.

Before it could progress further, I stopped him to tell him about my celibacy thing. He was super supportive and seemed genuinely happy for me. Let me tell you, this man is very unlike most men that I know. He’s 35 years old and a very sweet, sensitive, artist-type. I knew I could trust him to respect my boundaries and he did. Hooray!

We got back into making out and I told him that “hands don’t count,” so he followed my hint and we got into some nice groping and eventually to oral sex. I had not actually decided at the beginning of this year whether or not I would allow oral… but I guess I’m allowing it. I feel really fine about that, too. (Duh).

We both agreed that it would be awfully difficult to continue my abstinence if we keep seeing and sleeping with each other. I’m looking at it like sort of a sexy game; a really big tease. I told him, too, about my blog’s alternative title “AKA the year of the weird stuff.” He didn’t seem opposed to trying some kinkier things with me, though I’m not sure he’s totally into it, either.

A also brought up a question about where our relationship is going. How mature of him. I appreciate his forethought, though I told him it was too soon for me to know. I really don’t want to just be fuck buddies, and he doesn’t seem to want that either. So I guess sooner or later, we will have to decide to be committed partners or just friends. Time will tell…

Until next time, hopefully with some kinkier stories 😉
~M

Is Celibacy making me obsessive?

I just had my period last week, and of course, along with all the fun hormone changes comes the inevitable roller coaster of emotions and fluctuating levels of horniness. I am trying to figure out if I’ve always been this obsessed about sex or if it’s just because I can’t have it that I am thinking about it more than usual. Maybe I’m always this horny around my period and since I’ve tended to act on my desires with random hook ups or with whomever I was dating at the time, I was better able to alleviate this physical need. Masturbation just isn’t the same as a lover.

And now I have begun this pattern, that feels all too familiar to me, of thinking about- perhaps even obsessing over- all the numerous guys that I could have sex with. Oh, there are some very cute ones. I didn’t tell you this, but last week, one of these cute guys even kissed me. And when I told him I was going celibate this year, we talked about the other kinky or not-so-kinky things I could possibly do. So much temptation…

I’m starting to wonder if celibacy is actually healthy for me. Is it better to abstain from sex if the result is that I am obsessing over sex and boys in my head? Eehh… I think this is something to talk to my therapist about. Whee!

Until next time,

~M